Journal 2020

Someone challenged me to “look Jesus in the eyes.” I don’t know how to do this. I don’t see pictures in my head like an artist does. So when I “see” Jesus, it’s an indistinct outline of the form of a man. How then can I possibly look into His eyes?

When I ask Jesus to reveal Himself to me, all I see in my visual is a distorted, grotesquely shaped mask that covers His face. Am I afraid to see Him in all his glowing, white-hot, pure light, like when Moses had to wear a veil? I don’t think my human eyes could tolerate seeing Him in His glorified form. And yet He wasn’t glowing when He appeared to the disciples in His resurrected body. Why can’t I experience that as well?

“Do you want the mask off?” Jesus asks.

Well, why wouldn’t I? Who put it there in the first place?

My Heart Guardian steps up. “I’ll do it,” he says. And when he rips the mask off, I see the misshapen, disfigured face like the Phantom of the Opera. And Isaiah’s words leap at me: “There is no comeliness . . .” (referring to the cross). He was bruised . . .”

I once saw an artist’s rendition of Jesus. It wasn’t ugly . . . just plain and uncomely. And I didn’t want to continue looking. I want my Jesus to look handsome, majestic, chiseled and rugged and buff with gorgeous features that would make me fall in love with Him and His form. I felt disappointed . . . like this can’t truly be Jesus. I want Him to look perfect. But then I see Akiane’s drawing of Jesus and I like it. Or Jechoon Choi’s Joyful Jesus.

We all have distortions of reality. We have no photograph of Jesus hidden in the archives. No one living today has seen Him in the flesh or walked with Him. And even a drawing doesn’t produce the same result as being in someone’s presence. I can’t wait to see Him face to face.

How do you visualize Jesus?