So Many Relationships

Posted on by under Choices

Journal 2018

According to University of Oxford professor Dr. Robin Dunbar, the average person has three to five close friends and can only maintain up to 150 people in their social network.

Besides family members, I have 600 “friends” on Facebook, 20 neighbors on my street, 909 names in my phone contact list, 200 church members I’d like to get to know, a 12-member ladies’ Bible study group, 45 boarding school classmates, 2000 MKs in a database I maintain, missionaries we know or support from around the world, many friends we’ve made in 4 states, and 350 clients we’ve prayed with over the years. My mind is a little overwhelmed at the thought of all these connections, for I can only focus on one person at a time.

I like to say I choose God first, then my husband, then my kids and grands, and after that the world. And yet that choice is not necessarily time driven. I spend far more time in a week with other people than I do with some family members. Perhaps the issue is more about intimacy and where my heart is.

Someone described relationships as circles, where you place your most intimate persons in the center. But the visual doesn’t work well for me. It’s far more fluid and less rigid than that. Even the word priority doesn’t make the grade because, though my husband comes first most of the time, he doesn’t always. Sometimes a child needs more attention, or a friend is in crisis.

I need a better visual.

At first, I saw strings and chords attached to everyone I knew, but that picture was way too messy, and the cords far too tangled. I suspect my metaphor is closer to a river-of-life theme. I live and dwell on my own boat, but I visit different boats at different times. I’m tied to my husband’s boat through the bond of marriage, but we respect each other’s space. Others come on board at different times in my life and step back to their own boat or off onto shore when the visit is done. Sometimes a flotilla of boats travels with me. Each boat is labeled by its group name or category: neighbors, clients, Facebook friends, or church. Every three years, my classmates and I step onto the boat labeled “Reunion,” and then we return to our own boats. We step on and off each raft or boat at different times and for different purposes.

A 2026 Update. Except for my list of Facebook friends (which remains the same because I largely ignore social media now) my list of connections just keeps flexing. I have more grandchildren, church members come and go, I dropped a Bible study, added a book club, and have seen 250 more clients. Friends have gone to heaven and neighbors have moved away. I still only have the time or emotional capacity for deep connections with a handful of people.

What’s your metaphor for relationships?

Leaders Who Fall

Posted on by under Choices

Journal 2018

When a prominent leader in the Christian community falls from grace due to misconduct, the name of God gets maligned, ministries fail, illusions are burst, and our judgmental hats turn bright red. We self-righteously declare, “I would never do that!” We don’t like it when our heroes fall, for the ground beneath us shakes, or it potentially exposes our own weaknesses. What if King David had been our spiritual leader? The media would have crucified him for his moral failure.

When an allegation of wrongdoing arises, what should be our response? Take sides? Judge the person with guilt or innocence based on hearsay or testimony? What if the accused is innocent? How do we know which side is telling the truth?

The bigger question for me is not what the accused leader did or did not do, but how he handles adversity. If guilty, does he confess and forsake his sin, like David did? (Exposure of sin is not a bad thing if it leads to repentance and healing.) Or does he dig in his heels and become defensive? If innocent (like Jesus was), does he forgive those who wronged him or does he become outraged and lash back?

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Lessons from Hebrews

Posted on by under God, Scripture

Journal 2018

It’s a little disturbing to me to see how the author of Hebrews glibly quotes the Old Testament out of context.

  • If 1:5 refers to II Samuel 7:14, the author is misquoting, I will be his father, and he will be my son. (NIV)

In the Samuel context, the next statement says, “when he commits iniquity, I will correct him.” This obviously refers to Solomon, not to the Messiah. So how can the author of Hebrews apply it to Christ?

  • The statement He makes his angels spirits, and his servants flames of fire (1:7) seems to be quoting Psalm 104:4. But in that context, there is no reference to angels. In fact, in that Psalm every reference is to things in nature, and Hebrews seems to do violence to the text to make it refer to angels.
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Now, I admit I’m no Hebrew scholar, but this is how it appears to me. Is there an overlay of truth, a phrase with hidden meaning in the text? I’m confused. Either the scriptures are inspired or they are not. Either the author of Hebrews stretches and misquotes scripture, or he doesn’t.

After reading numerous commentaries, I see I’m not the only one who has questioned these passages. But if we believe the Scriptures are accurate and inspired, there must be a logical explanation. Since the author uses these quotes without further argument or commentary, it is assumed that the readers understood and agreed with his application of the phrases referring to the Messiah and to the angels. The overall conclusion of Hebrews is that Christ is superior to men and angels no matter what arguments or quotations the author uses, and that is the important matter here.

On September 20, I listened to Michael Rydelnik on “Chris Fabry Live,” Rydelnik believes the entire Psalter is a messianic book arranged deliberately in a certain order. For example, Psalms 22 and 24 are clearly Messianic. My God, My God . . . they pierced my hands and feet . . . Who can stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands … the King of glory.

Sandwiched in between the two is the oft-quoted Psalm 23, which Rydelnik says is another messianic Psalm regarding the death and resurrection of Christ. We can certainly gain comfort from this Psalm while “in the valley of the shadow of death” and can certainly find application to our personal lives, but it primarily gives us a glimpse into the Messiah’s experience. Rydelnik says the ancients understood the messianic nature and subject of the Psalms. So perhaps the author of Hebrews draws from that matrix and viewpoint.

He must increase

Posted on by under Emotions, God, Scripture

Journal 2018

He must increase, but I must decrease. (John 3:30 KJV)

Fresh out of college, I landed a job teaching English and speech at a private Christian school. Inexperienced and apprehensive, I tried to put on a confident mask as I entered the classroom and directed the school’s plays and programs. The more insecure I felt, however, the more I craved affirmation and accolades.

I want to follow John the Baptist’s example, but how do I decrease while Jesus increases? How do I avoid seeking accolades and point people to Jesus instead? Mother Teresa and Johnny Earickson Tada come to mind as humans who have accomplished great things for God with few resources, yet they always point people to the One they worship. How would that look to me?

Visual: I am at a Y junction of a channel of water (i.e. man’s accolades) rushing toward me. When the waters arrive at the Y, I close the gate on my side and divert the water to the right fork, causing the water to flow toward Christ instead. When praises come my way, I divert them to my Lord. If I don’t, I may drown in the force of the water. He alone is strong enough to receive the full force of gushing praise. I cannot prevent the water from flowing, but I can divert the water to the proper channel.

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Processing Dreams

Posted on by under Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace

Journal 2018

I dreamt last night that my daughter was dating a Black boy who had a chip on his shoulder because he thought I was prejudiced. I felt defensive that anyone would think I was racist. I woke from my dream as I was lecturing him about how color blind I was and how I was more interested in how he treated my daughter.

What concerns me is that I’m afraid I do struggle with prejudice or prejudgment because of where I grew up. The prevailing colonial superiority in Nigeria at the time and my mother’s response to the people we worked with set the tone for pride in my little heart. I could tell you many little incidents. I have long since repented of my attitude, but if I have a dream like this, I suspect something still lingers there.

Visual. I see a baby lying supine in a box. Curious, I start to pick her up and discover her entire backside is open, raw, oozing, bleeding. Horrified, I quickly release her and disinfect my hands, repulsed by the baby’s condition.

I am powerless to fix this baby. When I ask Jesus about it, I get the impression that this baby represents some wounded part of my heart. I think of the verse “The heart is deceitful” (Jeremiah 17:9) and realize I’ve been fooling myself about not being prejudiced. I DO judge.

“So, Lord, what are You going to do with this child? She’s grotesque.”

“I’ve already died for her,” He replies. “She’s already whole and healed.”

Sure doesn’t look like that to me. I feel disgusted.

“Pick her up,” He commands.

I’m loathe to do so, and I’m not even sure how to do it. All her insides will fall out if I move her. It’s like my stacked cookie cutters. If I try to lift one out, the rest get left behind. The irony of the metaphor is not lost on me, however. Humans are not cookie cutters. Or maybe we are all cookie cutters made in the image of God, but individual as snowflakes. Some are small, others large, but we all are used for the same dough, and the cookie tastes the same no matter the shape or size.

Somehow that image is what I need, for as I gently lift the baby, the blood on her backside washes away and skin begins to grow, leaving scars in its wake. Embarrassed, I’m tempted to conceal her in a blanket, but I refrain. I try to embrace her, but she’s stiff, like she’s been burned. I looked to Jesus. “Help her,” I plead, And He does. Her body begins to soften, and my heart begins to melt.

“Thank you, Lord, for creative dreams that propel me toward healing.”

Note: I’ve discovered the key to processing negative dreams is to focus on the presenting emotion. Usually there’s a memory attached to that emotion that contains some unresolved pain.

Balancing work and rest

Posted on by under Emotions, Peace

Journal 2018

I find it a constant battle to still my jiggling foot, slow down inside, and be still. I’ve always been a goal setter: schedule a task, get it done, move on to the next. Without a looming task or goal, I get antsy. I feel unproductive, for there’s no measurable outcome, nothing tangible to check off my list. That hurry-sickness drive propels me forward to accomplish things, but it leaves tension in my neck, back, and shoulders.

When I do manage to achieve inner stillness, I experience growth and restoration akin to the sleep cycle of my day. Somehow, I need to find a balance between work and rest.

Resting is sitting on a snow sled at the top of a hill, anticipating the ride of my life, then whizzing down the slope until I come to a full stop. Exhilarating! Rest, pause, let the rush wash over me, then collect my sled, hat, and scarf and trudge back up the hill to repeat the cycle. Rest is that pause between reaching my goal and preparing for the next one. I don’t ride all the time, I don’t climb all the time, and I don’t stay in the rest phase all the time.

A 2026 Update. I watch my adult girls and the frenetic pace they keep trying to balance children, work, and home chores, and I remember the angst of that season of my life. I’m still a list-maker, but I’m in the sweet spot where I can still climb the mountain and still enjoy the ride down. With a few more years behind me, however, my aging body and gained wisdom dictate that I require more rest time at the bottom of the hill!

On Overload

Posted on by under Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace

Journal 2018

So it happened again. Four people today leaned on me for help and support. I love ministering to hurting people, but this was overload with no breaks in between. The hike I took helped—except for the chigger bites which are driving me crazy. I put repellent on my ankles, but I never thought to put it on my waist and elbows. Sigh.

Lord, how did you recover when the crowds became too much? I suspect you were a perfect blend of introvert and extrovert, yet You withdrew alone at night. But how did you function the next day? I need You close today, Lord. I can’t do this on my own.

VISUAL: I am a Kool-Aid container at camp, and the sweaty campers keep lining up to drain me dry. I’m a vessel, created to hold refreshment for others, but I can’t do my job if the container is empty. I know there is an endless supply of Kool-Aid, but I cannot do anything to refill myself. I wish the Kool-Aid filler would hurry up! I can’t control how much He pours in and how much the campers deplete me.

The Lord comes and lifts the container (me) and takes me to the kitchen where I get a good cleaning, inside and out. I’ve been sitting in the sun too long, the sludge starting to accumulate, and I wasn’t providing a safe and cool drink anymore.

I am now resting and drying on the counter, while I recover. I’m not ready to return to work, but I can trust the Father to keep me here till it’s time to return. Meanwhile, He sets a different jug down in my spot. Now the kids won’t get thirsty.

Lessons in Psalms

Posted on by under Scripture

Journal 2018

Psalm 88

In deep despair, the Psalmist Heman cries out to God, who seems to be silent. He blames God for his predicament and pain, claiming He has taken his companions and loved ones from him, and he feels God’s wrath.

Blame is a shifting of pain. I find when I quit blaming others (especially God) for my pain and turn around and face it, then pain can pour out and release, and God’s sweet and gentle voice will answer.

When a person blames me for her pain, it’s okay to examine my heart to see what actions of mine might have hurt her, but as long as she is deflecting her pain by blaming me, she will not heal inside.

Psalm 90

Because of his life experiences, Moses is keenly aware of the power of God’s wrath. I can’t identify with Moses, for my life experiences don’t include tragedy, earthquakes, rebellious neighbors, war, desert hardships, or enemies chasing me and threatening me. I am grateful that I get to live in America, in a strong brick house, with enough food that I never go to bed hungry, on a safe street, with freedom to worship. I don’t take my life for granted.

But I echo Moses’ prayer:

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us. Establish the work of our hands for us. Yes, establish the work of our hands. (v. 17 NIV)

Psalm 91

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. (v. 1))

I need rest—not just physical, but emotional and spiritual. The key, according to this verse, is to dwell. Dwelling somewhere is not work. It just is. I don’t have to work at dwelling in my house. It’s where I live, work, sleep, eat, enjoy relationship. I don’t live at your house; I live in mine, where I’m most comfortable. Things are familiar.

My body is God’s temple, and He dwells in me. He never leaves, He’s always there, and I want Him to feel at home here in my house. Sometimes I go to a different room and shut the door on Him, but He’s still there waiting outside the door for me to unlock it so we can have sweet fellowship once more.

Psalm 92

The righteous… Will still bear fruit in old age. They will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, “The Lord is upright. He is my rock and there is no wickedness in him.” (vv. 12-15)

I don’t consider myself “old age,” but this brings comfort to my soul. Still bearing fruit, staying fresh and green, still proclaiming. Some days I don’t feel fresh and green, but I like the thought of still bearing fruit.

I watch some friends who never seem to age, and others who are withering. I suspect this has to do more with the physical and perhaps even the mental, but the spirit can stay strong.

Psalm 136

God used the same water (the Red Sea) to rescue Israel and to annihilate the Egyptian army. Same water, different results. This started me thinking of other scenarios where something has a dual purpose or outcome.

  • The tongue: bless or curse
  • Wind: provide cool in the heat or destroy as a tornado
  • Fire: warm and cook or decimate forests and homes
  • Trauma: keep us stuck in hurt or result in a healing ministry
  • Roots: grow a tree or demolish a house foundation
  • Internet: spread the gospel or spread gossip

On Anger

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Inner Healing

Journal 2018

When Jesus healed a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath, the Pharisees became so angry they plotted to kill Jesus. They had more regard for keeping rules than ministering to people. In turn, Jesus was deeply distressed and angry at the hardness of the Pharisees’ hearts.

I notice here two types of anger:

  1. Unrighteous, cruel, jealous, hate-filled, self-protecting
  2. Righteous, compassionate, justified, love-driven, protecting others

Russ Hudson says there are 3 responses to anger:

  1. Acting out. For example, discharging energy by raising our voice, destroying things, or using forceful aggression. We don’t really experience the anger, so we don’t get rid of it. It stays with us, and it destroys relationships.
  2. Denying it. When we fear anger in ourselves or others, we dissociate from it, leading to feelings of powerlessness, unimportance, resentment, and aggressive outbursts when it builds up.
  3. Trying to contain it, repress it, or hold it inside. This leads to sarcasm, put-downs, and terse impatience, leaving people feeling disrespected.

Anger as an emotion is not sin. It’s what we do with it that becomes destructive to ourselves and to others. Anger is usually a guardian part of our heart that covers another emotion. For example, it’s easier to feel anger than to feel fear or pain. But self-protecting anger keeps pain alive, hidden away. It’s only when we agree to let anger go that we can begin to heal.*

But what if there were a fourth response? Good creative anger, staying present in the energy of it for a while, leads to addressing the difficulties of this world. For example, Jesus stayed present with His anger when He cleared out the temple. The organization MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) began with one woman’s brave decision to turn her anger and grief into action. But even righteous anger over an injustice is best handed over to God, whose job it is to make everything fair and just in His own time.

So how can you harness your anger for good? Begin to take note of your anger patterns. How does your body respond? Where do you feel the tension? Learn to recognize your pattern while it’s occurring. Do you tend to hold it inside? Let it explode onto people and things? Once you’ve identified your anger, you get to decide whether to feel it, hide it, keep it, or release it. The challenge is, according to the Scripture, there should be a shelf life on your anger: until the sun goes down. Otherwise, we give opportunity for the evil one to take advantage of us (Ephesians 4:26). What a different world this would be if we all followed this pattern!

*Sometimes a client will say, “I feel annoyed,” not realizing that anger is on a continuum from mild annoyance to full-blown rage (annoyed, cross, peeved, irritated, irked, exasperated, vexed, angry, furious, wrathful, rage-filled). These are all choice emotions to help us manage an underlying one.

On Struggling

Posted on by under Emotions, Inner Healing

Journal 2018

As I pray through a long list of people I know and love, it strikes me that every one of us struggles with something.

The chick struggles to break free of its shell. The caterpillar turned butterfly struggles out of its cocoon. The fetus struggles to exit the birth canal. The tender shoot struggles to push through the hard ground. Even the Messiah struggled.

Struggling implies hardship, straining, work, motivation, conflict, wrestling, effort to free oneself from restraint or constriction, achieving something new in the face of difficulty or resistance. Struggling strengthens us, proves us, and tests what we’re made of, and the effort is worth it when we reach the end of the race or resolve the conflict.

There is a time, however, when struggling is counterproductive. Sometimes God waits for us to stop struggling in our own power before He frees us. It’s when we relax and acknowledge our limitations that we find our greatest growth.

What has struggling taught you?

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