Journal 2018

Teach [me] to number [my] days that [I] may gain a heart of wisdom . . . May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon [me]. Establish the work of [my] hands for [me]—yes, establish the work of [my] hands. (Psalm 90:12, 17 NIV).

Visual: I’m fidgeting on a hard and uncomfortable seat, knees pulled up to my chest in front of a large, floor-to-ceiling curtain. Why am I not in the audience? What am I waiting for?

Suddenly the curtain lifts and the show begins. Apparently I’m one of the performers in a cabaret. I wait for my cue. I’m on in . . . 3-2-1. Perform, do the best I can, enjoy the process, and then I’m off the stage, panting from the exertion as I watch the show from the other side of the stage. It’s over—only a brief participation award in the grand experience of life on this earth. My part is done. I have the rest of eternity to analyze my performance.

That’s the big picture.

But for the moment I’m still on stage. I’m just a bit player, but every character is important to the plot. I need to remember my lines, do cartwheels in time with the music, sing with the chorus, and remain quiet when others are speaking. I’m under the Director’s watchful eye. Someone steps out of line and the production halts. I sit on the edge of the stage and wait. Apparently, we’re in a rehearsal. It’s not performance night. The Director is giving instructions, making changes, fixing footing and lighting, and I sit and wait. It’s a time of rest till we’re instructed to move again, and I’m okay with that. Dancing can be fun, but it’s hard work keeping in step with the whole group. I trust the Director. He sees the whole picture. He knows what He wants to accomplish.

Time sometimes appears to speed up and sometimes it appears to slow down. What makes the difference? The intensity of the emotion, or perhaps the degree of pain? I want to learn “a heart of wisdom” and have “hands that are established” in the dailiness of life as well as in the crisis moments. To the best of my ability, I want to care for my physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I fail, I make goals, I try again. I trust God to direct my steps. He knows what’s best.