Battling Dis-ease

Journal 2017

I just read the autobiography of Tig Notaro, a lesbian standup comic who faced several debilitating trials: she got C-diff, her mother died, and then she contracted breast cancer. Her response to each event was extreme fear and despair.

When people face bad news, I expect them to react negatively, to fall apart, lament, battle, and struggle. So, it intrigued me when I listened recently to the testimony of Walter Wangerin, Jr., author of 40 books including The Book of the Dun Cow. He said that when he heard the diagnosis of cancer, surprisingly he had immediate peace and thought, “This is the next grand adventure.” He also said he does not embrace the war metaphor of battling cancer. It’s his own body, not an enemy, and he wants to work with it, not against it.

I know several others who faced mortality with peace. My friend Peggy submitted to brain surgery with great grace, giving God the glory, and lived to share her faith. I watched Holly L’s final public testimony at church as she faced a terminal illness. She admitted to the struggle, but she was victorious.

I watch others melodramatically declare they’re dying when they get a hangnail. What makes the difference in how we handle pain, bad news, or losses in life? Some of that may be temperament or the lies we believe or the depth of past trauma, but I believe a lot has to do with our walk with the Lord. I just know that when my time comes to face a trial, I pray I will embrace it and live with a testimony that God is in control.

Character Flaws

Journal 2017

Abraham, a man of faith, chooses deception with Sarah and bows to her wishes for Ishmael. The next Patriarchs, Isaac and Jacob, also practice deceit. David, a man after God’s own heart, succumbs to adultery and murder. Noah, who saves the world, overindulges in alcohol. And on it goes. Every human on earth has a character flaw. And so, I need to examine my life. Where have I failed to be true to myself and to God?

I can see the roots of my compromise in Grade 12 when my parents returned to Africa without me. My authority, my protection, was gone. The tempter came in the form of “Uncle J,” a broken man who desired to do right but carried too much pain inside. Couple that with my own rebellious and hurting heart, insecure and vulnerable, and I began to lower my moral standards and boundaries. There is no one but me who can claim responsibility, but Satan took advantage of my innocence.

I am who I am today because of those broken places in my heart. I may not have committed fornication or murder like David, but I kept a secret from preschool days where the seeds of guilt and shame were planted, took root, and grew.

Redemption is available to all, no matter what our character flaw. The past has been washed clean. I am free of guilt and shame. Yet I know the depravity of my heart. I know when judgmentalism and criticism and self-righteousness flit into my brain and I have to “take captive every thought” of unrighteousness. I see, I know, I recognize my bent toward self. Lord, have mercy. Keep me close to You so that I don’t stray.

Time Management

Journal June 7, 2017

There are seasons and rhythms of our lives when things go dead and sometimes when they sprout to new life. Years, months, weeks, and days cycle round and round. What I do this day may seem very insignificant, yet small habits yield big results and can set the course of my history.

I seem to be in a special season right now, however brief, without clients daily clamoring for my time. For three days my husband will be golfing, and I have potential alone time. I think of all the things I could do with this precious gift, and I feel conflicted. I know what my heart wants to do, and that is to write. And so, I indulge myself. It feels like pure joy and delight to organize thoughts, rearrange them, and make them permanent by recording them. I asked the girls about writing a blog, and I got a resounding yes! Is this a priority? Do I have the time . . .?

VISUAL: I’m a disciple in the boat on the Sea of Galilee, and Jesus is about to walk by. I call out to Him, “Will you join me in the boat?”

He is more than willing. He climbs in, sits, and hands me some bread. It’s just the two of us.

“You’re worried,” He comments.

Yes, I suppose I am. I wait for Him to tell me what about, but I know Him well. He will pause to let me figure it out.

“I’m worried that I will not use my time wisely. Time is a finite commodity.”

I find it easier to function with a predetermined schedule, decisions in place, and brain on autopilot. It reminds me of scheduled time at boarding school with bells and sirens that dictated our routine. Decisions were made for us. Summers, on the other hand, were wide open with no expectations, and laziness was sure to follow.

“Go on,” He prompts.

“I don’t want to waste it.”

“Are you wasting it?” He asks.

I don’t think I am. Then what’s the issue? It’s a matter of portioning it out to match the allotted time I have at my disposal.

“You’re feeling rushed—like you want to do what your heart wants to do, but your head is giving you alternative coulds and shoulds.”

Yes! That’s it! So how do I silence those words and voices? I want to write, but my head says, “You need to file and exercise and clean house and visit neighbors.” This issue is about alone time—there are certain things I can do best when I’m uninterrupted.

Jesus leans back, hands behind His head and smiles at me. “You have a problem, then, don’t you?”

I know He’s teasing me. I’m way too serious and stressed over this.

“What do you want to do?” He asks.

“Write!” I exclaim.

“But . . .?”

I feel rising exhilaration . . . and guilt.

I ask Him for a visual. He shows me a row of boxes, some smaller, some larger, each containing one task on my to-do list.

During my time allotted for each box, I have permission to compartmentalize and block out all the other thoughts that belong to other boxes.

And so, just for today, I’ll write, uninterrupted, without guilt or remorse. I’ll seize the precious time that I have and just focus. The dirty dishes can wait.

A 2024 Update. I smile as I read back on this journal entry. I feel no guilt now whatsoever over taking time out of a busy (or not-so-busy) schedule to write. It’s one of my default activities along with sitting at my dining room table arranging jigsaw puzzle pieces. Reading a book in the middle of the day, though—now that feels decadent. Perhaps I need to address any emotion behind that thought!

Do Right!

Journal 2017

How do I respond when someone is furious with me—especially when I know I have made the right decision?

Amaziah, King of Judah (the Southern Kingdom), hired 100,000 soldiers from Israel (the Northern Kingdom), to help him fight a war (II Chronicles 25:6-10).

But a man of God told King Amaziah he needed to let the mercenaries go, for God was not with the Northern Kingdom, and “If they go with you, you’ll lose the battle.”

“But what about the 100 talents I already paid them?” the king asked.

“Not to worry,” said the man of God. “God is able to more than make it up to you.” And so Amaziah dismissed these soldiers.

Surprisingly, the mercenaries “were furious with Judah and went home in a great rage.” They’d be paid whether they fought or not, so what was the big deal? Apparently they’d lose out on the percentages from the spoils. So, in retaliation, they “raided towns belonging to Judah . . . and they killed three thousand people and carried off great quantities of plunder” (v.13).

But Amaziah stood his ground and stayed on God’s side. Good for him! No codependence there! He obeyed God in spite of man’s response.

BUT the story doesn’t end well.

Sadly, Amaziah brought home idols among the spoils of war and began to worship them. And God was furious. (I think I’d rather have man furious at me than God!)

Next, God sent a prophet to Amaziah to tell him to quit it, but Amaziah told him to shut up or he’d kill him. And so, the prophet shut up—after this one last warning: “God will destroy you.”

Now for some reason, Amaziah invited Joash (the Northern king), to join him on the battlefield, but Joash scoffed: “Your victory over the enemy has gone to your head! Stay in your palace!”

Verse 20 (NET) intrigues me: “But Amaziah did not heed the warning [why did he obey God the first time, but not the second?], for God wanted to hand them over to Joash because they followed the gods of Edom.”

God WANTED Amaziah to go to war with the Edomites (enemies) and He WANTED Amaziah to go to war with Israel (fellow Jews), but for different reasons—one to destroy and one to be destroyed. God’s choice versus man’s choice. Check and checkmate.

Sometimes God uses man to accomplish His purposes. He could have simply killed Amaziah on the spot, but He used his bad choice in order to get the job done.

This story is an amazing illustration of Romans 8:28. God will make everything right in the end, somehow weaving in man’s choices for good or for ill to accomplish His purposes. But I’d rather do right, every time!

Guilt-Free Fun

Journal 2017

The Christmas rush is over, the company is gone, and I’ve had several weeks of solitude and down time, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of the slower pace. It feels decadent, however, to recline in my easy chair with a book, start a jigsaw puzzle, or type entries into a blog. Why do I feel guilty for having fun, doing what I enjoy most?

Some part of my heart rises up to protest that I haven’t advanced my goals, completed a check list, accomplished more for the kingdom. This Guardian is the keeper of my lists, my schedule, the shoulds and what-ifs. This one needs some serious Jesus time!

Visual: I grip a silver platter containing a curly leaf of lettuce, a piece of candy, some fruit, some chocolate bars, a mug of coffee, a wooden ruler, and some stinky dog poop tied up in a sachet bag with a bow. (This one certainly doesn’t belong on the tray. How did that get there?) In the bag are all the shoulds and musts and words from other people dumped into a stinky heap. I don’t want to touch it. Jesus doesn’t want it either, so we double bag it and carry it out to the garbage can and spray some fresh scent in the air—light and breezy. We also don’t need the ruler or the dressing-less lettuce.

What’s next? Now the tray begins to overflow with fresh fruits and vegetables, but I can still see the desserts peeking out. Then meats of all kind crowd onto the plate. It’s starting to get overloaded, overwhelming, a mishmash of food that turns into a gloppy mess.

“Jesus, can we start over?” I ask. I liked it better when there was less on the platter: one pretty salad or a juicy slice of watermelon or a single square of chocolate.

Jesus just smiles. “I’ve been giving you just what you need these past weeks to prepare for the next. Enjoy the dessert. Savor it. Remember it. And trust Me to serve you what your body needs next.”

Word for the Year 2023—Games

After the clearing away of the supper dishes and the setting of the tropical sun, out came the pressure lamp to light our little family circle. In the absence of television, we provided our own entertainment through table games. Though traditional playing cards (touted as sinful because of their association with gambling) were forbidden, my father happily indulged in the game of Rook. Indeed, it was the only game he’d play with the family. My mother, on the other hand, defaulted to Scrabble and other word games. If grownups were busy, we kids played a variety of board games, including Snakes and Ladders, Old Maid, Clue, Yahtzee (some missionaries even forbade the use of dice), Monopoly, or Careers.

When I chose “Games” as my word for the year, my husband and I began the tradition of clearing the supper dishes and playing a nightly game together of “I Buy” (first introduced to us 40 years ago by our friends the Acords). And, yes, we use those forbidden card decks. We have since taught this simple game to nearly everyone who graces our table (see below for the rules).

Next, I emailed all our local friends inviting them to a monthly Game Night, including snacks which ranged from popcorn to ice cream bars. Those who responded with interest I put on a monthly reminder list and asked for RSVPs. Here’s how it all panned out.

For January, I carefully divided the 12 signed-up players into 3 groups to play different games at each table. Sadly, one couple canceled at the last minute, and we had to scramble to readjust—my first disappointment for plans gone awry. For February, I invited couples only (single players had to bring a partner), and 10 showed up. (One funny story: I got a text asking what time to arrive, but the couple had the wrong date. So, we spontaneously went out to dinner together and then to their house to learn a new game. Now that was fun!) In March I opened it up to families with children to play high energy games (8 participants). In April I chose word games as the theme (my favorite) but only 2 came. Again, I had to adjust my expectations.

For May and June, I invited one couple each to get to know them better. I decided this is more my style. In July our whole family (7 adults, 5 grands) traveled to Holland, Michigan, where my 3 girls and I played a competitive jigsaw puzzle game (I lost). August brought 13 people to our house to play “Just One” (a fun, collaborative word game), though I noticed some spouses and children were more drawn to the jigsaw puzzle on my dining room table.

September was hectic with last-minute cancellations, so I went to a ladies’ game night at church instead. October found Scott and me aboard a Viking cruise on the Rhine River. We taught “I Buy” to 2 couples who befriended us. In November, I chose puzzle games as my theme. Was it the category or the time of year? Only one person came, and we played Scrabble instead. And, in honor of my parents’ anniversary in December, I suggested a pizza party with Rook and Scrabble as my final hurrah. Out of the initial 18 maybes, only 2 didn’t cancel, so we went out to dinner and played “I Buy.”

What I learned: Hold plans loosely, let go of expectations, be flexible. Spontaneous can be just as fun as planned. Some friends are competitive, and some prefer to just talk and have fun. Watch the triggers surface when you put the two together! People appreciate being invited.

What I gained: I made some new friends and deepened some relationships.

What I’d do differently: Less focus on planning ahead of time which games to play and just decide once everyone arrives. I’ll probably go back to inviting just one family at a time. I’m still looking for Rook players!


Rules for “I Buy”

3-6 players (can play in teams if number of players is even)

Need: 2 decks of cards (for 2-4 players); 3 decks of cards (for 5-6 players)

The game consists of 7 rounds, each with a different combination of books and runs.

Rounds:

  1. Two books
  2. 1 book, 1 run
  3. 2 runs
  4. 2 books, 1 run
  5. 2 runs, 1 book
  6. 3 books
  7. 3 runs

Books = 3 or more of a kind (e.g. 3 or more Aces or 3 or more nines)

Runs   = 4 or more in a row in the same suit. (e.g. four-five-six-seven of spades)

  • Aces can be high or low, but not both. (e.g. Ace-two-three-four or Jack-Queen-King-Ace). Nor can you wrap around (e.g. Queen-King-Ace-two)
  • For rounds with 2 or 3 runs, they must be in 2 or 3 different suits. (e.g. you cannot lay down Ace-two-three-four of hearts and eight-nine-ten-Jack of hearts as two different sets)

Set up: Dealer gives each person 12 cards for each round. Place the rest of the cards face down in the middle (the draw pile).

Goal: To be the first to get rid of your cards.

Scoring consists of what points are left in one’s hand. (Your partner’s points count zero if you go out first.)

  • Jokers (wild) = 25 points   
  • Aces = 15 points
  • 10 – King = 10 points
  •  2-9 = 5 points

Rules:

  1. At the start of each round, when everyone is ready, the dealer takes a card off the top of the deck and tosses it quickly, face up, on the table.
  2. The card automatically belongs to the person on dealer’s left IF HE WANTS IT. If he wants the card, he places it in his hand and discards (face up) another card from his hand. If he DOESN’T WANT IT, the card is up for grabs.
  1. “Up for grabs” means any another player can say, “I buy.”
    • If more than one person says it, the players must decide who said it first.
    • If a person says “I buy” but changes his mind, too bad. He must take it.
    • The person who wins the “buy” takes the tossed card PLUS another one from the top of the draw pile.
  2. If no one wants the card (including the person to the left of the dealer) the player to the left of the dealer then takes a card from the draw pile and discards (face up) one from his hand. The person to the left always has first dibs on the discard (without penalty of buying an extra card).
  3. Play continues in this fashion around the table until someone is ready to “lay down.” This means he must lay down EXACTLY what each round calls for. (e.g. on Round #1 he must lay down exactly 2 books at one time. He may only lay down 2 books, not one set, not three sets). Of course each set of books can consist of more than 3 cards.
  4. Once a player has laid his required set of books or runs on the table, he is free to get rid of more cards in his hand by placing them appropriately on other players’ sets (adding to a set or building a run).
  5. Each round comes to an end when one player goes out—either laying down all his cards on other people’s sets or throwing his last remaining card on the discard pile.
  6. One fun rule is that once you have laid down your required sets, on your turn you may steal a Joker from someone else’s run (but NOT from a book) if you have the missing card in your hand.
    • Example: one player lays down a run of four-Joker-six-seven of hearts. On your turn, if you have the five of hearts, you exchange your card for the Joker and play the Joker somewhere else on the table, either with a book or in a run.
    • You must use the Joker immediately. You may not keep it in your hand.
  7. Once Round #1 (2 books) ends, deal goes to the next person and play continues as before for Round #2 (1 book, 1 run).

Rules for Partners

On your turn, you may play at any time on your partner’s cards that have been placed on the table. You do not have to wait until you are down yourself. (Strategy hint: don’t do this too early in the game. You may find you need a card later for your own set.)

Remember, if you are not playing teams, you may only play on another person’s pile after you have laid down your own sets.

Rules for 2 players (not as intense since you’re not competing for cards with other players)

On your turn, if you want to buy a card, you simply declare “I buy” before drawing (either 2 from the deck or 1 from the deck + the top discard).

Keeping Records

Journal 2017

I don’t know why, but I am a collector of written records from my life. Perhaps it’s because I have such a poor memory and I want to offload information from my brain to make room for the present. Perhaps it’s because I wish my parents had kept more records of their life. Billions of people have lived and died without any more recorded evidence of their existence than their birth and death dates, so maybe this is my attempt at leaving a trail behind for my girls or a grandchild who’s doing research on his
ancestry.

I have four filing cabinets; four plastic totes filled with old calendars, scrapbooks, and journals; and multiple computer files chronicling all the compartments of my life. I maintain databases of contacts (categorized by personal, ministry, and business), lists of addresses where we’ve lived, books I’ve read, and trips we’ve taken. One spiral-bound notebook catalogs all our medical records, and I keep all notes from various committee meetings. I can tell you where we went on most anniversaries and can quickly pull up all the family recipes. Want to know what our family did each year? I may not be able to recall, but it’s recorded in our annual New Year’s letters.

The Apostle Paul’s steps were ordered by the Lord—literally. Others before me have mapped out his travels and recorded the highlights of his career. Luke records the facts; rarely does he analyze or zero in on the thoughts and motives of Paul and his companions. The book of Acts is not a biography per se, but a historical record, a history book entry. It is only in hindsight, as we recount our stories, that we begin to see the patterns emerge and the very distinct hand of God in every move.

Luke’s record has survived for 2000 years, and we study it and scrutinize and dissect it and try to visualize it—because it is in the canon of Scripture. My life is no less chosen and orchestrated and directed by the Holy Spirit, but I do not anticipate my writings will impact any more than a few friends who might be interested in what I have to say. The records I’ve kept over the years may all end up in the trash someday, and that’s okay, for what’s really important is the footprint I’ve left on people’s hearts.

Casting Crowns

Journal 2017

The idea of us casting crowns at Jesus’ feet has always disturbed me a little. My visual is of God handing me a reward for a job well done (like a piece of candy for doing a chore or a trophy for winning a race), but as soon as He gives me this prize, I have to hand it right back again and not get to keep it!

I realize how skewed this childhood picture is in my mind. First of all, in the book of Revelation, the ones doing the casting are the 24 elders. Somehow the church has generalized this to all believers. And second, the crown, I believe, is not a reward but a position. Giving someone else a crown signifies yielding authority to someone else.

I get to keep the reward that I earned. I always thought I was a bad Christian for not wanting to give Jesus my earned crown. Silly me.

Grandma and Jackson

Making Decisions While Triggered

Journal 2017

I’ve learned the hard way, it’s never wise to do or say something while I’m triggered. Inevitably, the words come out harsher than planned, and I make poor decisions, making matters worse. The consequences for my reactions sometimes lead to further bad choices. What a mess to clean up!

After the 12 Israelite spies returned from the land of Canaan, 10 of the spies were triggered. And in their fearful emotions, they made some foolish statements: Wouldn’t it be better for us to return to Egypt? Let’s appoint a leader and return to Egypt. (Numbers 14:3-4) Are they crazy! Leave the protection of their God? Return to the Pharoah who hates them? They’re out of their minds—literally—with fear.

Upon hearing of their punishment from God (to wander in the desert for 40 years), the 10 spies decided to go out on their own and attack the scary Amalakites. They left camp without the Lord’s direction—and perished. How foolish!

What would have happened if they had worked through their fear before opening their mouths to Moses? No wandering in the desert for 40 years. No trail of decaying bodies. And yet . . . God was able to turn even their triggers into something good. God’s will cannot be thwarted.

You are free to choose; you are not free to choose the consequences of your choices. (Samuel Thomas)

Why Do Godly Men Differ?

Journal 2017

Acts chapter 15 records controversy, conflict, disputes, and confusion between the Apostles, the Pharisees, the Gentiles, and the church elders. They debated the need for circumcision, rules for the Gentiles, and John Mark’s role in service. How could there be disagreement when they had the same Holy Spirit to teach them? We’re not talking different temperaments here or even systems or culture. Truth is truth . . . or is it? Either Gentiles needed to be circumcised or they didn’t. Does this mean that one person or group was not hearing correctly from God? Does it mean that Paul and Barnabas were triggered? Who wasn’t listening to God?

I think struggle is necessary for growth. I feel inner conflict all the time, and if I don’t take the time to connect with God, I can come up with some strange conclusions. But maybe we are like plants. God sows different seeds, and our beauty is in our diversity.