Author Archives: karenkeegan

Fashion Rebellion

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Inner Healing

Journal 2016

I have been rebelling against fashion since I was in junior high boarding school. While girls were begging to wear shorter skirts, I insisted on lowering my hems. One day in home economics class we learned what colors supposedly looked good together. Apparently orange and pink was a no-no (this was before the crazy ’70s entered the scene). One of my classmates dared me to put together a clashing skirt/blouse combo and wear it to breakfast that morning. I felt proud that I had enough guts to go against established rules of fashion and confident enough in who I was to pull off the faux pas.

But, to my chagrin, one of the Aunties pulled me aside to inform me that my wardrobe choice was a less than desirable combination of colors.

“How could she think so little of me?” I thought indignantly. Even when I told her that I wasn’t ignorant, that it was done on a dare, the damage in my soul was done. I felt embarrassed where before I felt confident.

I take this emotion to Jesus, and He smiles.

“Why are You smiling?” I ask.

“I love that you have self-confidence to be who you are. Never mind the Auntie. She didn’t know. She was simply trying to be helpful. Wear whatever you choose—with confidence.”

I wish I’d known this the year we were on furlough for my junior year of high school. Someone kindly donated their rejects to the poor missionary barrel, and I ignorantly donned a dress that apparently was out of style. One ill comment, and I never wore it again.

What I choose to wear reflects who I am, and to which master I serve. I want to be confident in who God made me to be.

A 2024 Update. Admittedly, I still have poor fashion sense and find it helpful to take a daughter along with me to shop for clothes—though I maintain the power of veto. I tend to follow my mother’s advice: wear only what’s comfortable.

I made this dress in 1975. This really was in style then!

Life Is Story

Posted on by under Journaling

Journal 2016

I am captivated by stories. I can sit in the pew, mind wandering during a sermon—until a story begins, and then I am all ears.

The Word of God is story–beginning in a garden, climaxing at the cross, and resolving in Revelation.

Every life is a unique story. Trena’s ended this week. She’s gone, but her the impact of her story lives on in her children and her grandkids.

I have recorded my story—what I’m willing to share anyway—in my journals (and now a few anecdotes in my blogs). But my story is not relegated to some words on paper. The impact of my story carries on in my future generations. Story matters. I want my story to end well, faithful to my Lord and King.

A 2024 Update. I asked my boarding school classmates at our reunion in May if anyone had written down their story. Several admitted to having begun the process by answering questions from a script. I did that with my parents. They each filled in daily questions for a full year, and then I created an Excel chart with the results. Next, Scott and I answered the same questions. It would be fun to see my girls’ answers to the same.

Question #34DadMomMeScott
What was your favorite meal as a child?Fish of any kind. Homemade ice cream or snow cones. Rhubarb pie, mincemeat pie. Pork roast and trimmings.Probably salmon in any form or goulash. Popcorn was not exactly a meal but to this day it is my favorite food!I loved fried meat of any kind, but particularly venison liver. But tuwo da miya topped everything.Soft-boiled egg mixed with potato. Whenever I went to the dentist or was sick, this is what Mom would fix for me.

The thought, however, of summarizing 70 years is daunting to me. And besides, I figure I have 20 more years (if I live as long as my parents did) to dig through all my journals to find the nuggets. And then I just get tired thinking about it. I know how much work is involved in the writing process. I think I’ll just go live my story for now!

Judgmentalism

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace

Journal 2017

Two or three times in church today I found unwanted thoughts in my head—critiquing (I refuse to use the word criticize because I don’t want to go down that road) the person or event. We all do it—okay most of us do it.

It irritates me a little if a person says everything is perfect ALL the time. They are too delighted in everything—and then I realize as I say this, that all the people I know like this are sanguines—which I am not. Declaring everything is always perfect, good, and wonderful, feels disingenuous. It’s not reality. But neither is the doom and gloom of the pessimist. I’m somewhere in between.

What I don’t like is the unbidden thoughts I have regarding others. I used to judge and feel superior and all that nasty self-righteousness stuff. Now I just notice. But why, I ask myself, do I even need to notice? I guess the only way NOT to notice is to be blind.

Okay, I really must be honest with myself. It’s not the noticing that’s the problem. So what is it? Why does it matter? That’s where the emotion lies.

I find the memory and process it, and it feels better now. Noticing is okay; judging is unproductive.

Pharisees and Hypocrites

Posted on by under Choices, God, Scripture

Journal 2016

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else . . . (Luke 18:9 NIV)

I am a recovering Pharisee. I identify more with the law than with grace, with Martha more than Mary, with the big brother rather than the prodigal son, with self-righteousness over God’s righteousness. God, help me!

Had I been at the synagogue the day Jesus healed the crippled woman, I would have been the Pharisee condemning Jesus for working on the Sabbath. That is my natural, Adamic nature, the old man, of the world. Yes, I’ve come a long, long way, but I’m not there yet—and won’t be until I get to heaven. Whenever I think I’m “better than,” I’ve crossed the line into self-righteousness.

So, I explore this thought:  If I choose wisely (the God path), does that make me better than those who choose to resist God? My flesh says, “Yes, thus making me superior.” But that is arrogance. Scorn does not become me. Disgust or rolling the eyes or looking down at someone—how can that be a good choice?

I am responsible for my own faith, my own choices, my own reactions, and responses. I don’t know another person’s heart—not really. We are each accountable to our own master—be it God or Satan or money or pain.

Since I’ve chosen God as my master, then I only answer to Him. It is not my job to judge another person’s choices. I might notice that they’ve chosen a poor master, and I can urge them to reconsider their path, but they may be bound in chains and may not know that freedom is available to them. Why get upset and rage at them for not opening their eyes—when they are truly blinded by the god of this world and cannot see until the God of Heaven opens their eyes.

But God has set me free from the law of sin and death. He gives light and life and freedom. No more condemnation, judgment, pride, or superiority. Let God be God and me the chiefest of sinners whom God has redeemed.

You will never understand the heart of a Pharisee unless you realize that he sees the plank in his eye as belonging to others. (Erwin Lutzer in his book Who Are You to Judge?)

See-saw Memory

Posted on by under Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace

Journal 2016

I felt a trigger this week that took me back to the sensation of being at the end of a teeter-totter. My playmate sat on the end of the board at ground-level, suspending me in the air, feet dangling, afraid she might step away and leave me to crash to the ground.

All my solutions for this discomfort didn’t work, so I invited Jesus into my picture. He stood beside me and grabbed me when the teeter-totter plunged. Safe in His arms.

Amazing how our minds work. I’m 63 years old, and the cells of my body and brain still remember the sensation I felt at age 8. We human beings are walking messes of triggers!

Photo by u00d6mer Derinyar on Pexels.com

So Many People!

Posted on by under Choices

Journal 2016

There are not enough hours in the day to pray for or develop and maintain a relationship with every person I know. I’m working on getting to know my immediate neighbors, but just when I made a good solid contact, they moved. Arrghh! How do I apportion my time wisely between friendships and acquaintances? I could spend 100% of my time with one client and it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy her need. A phone call a couple hours a month is all another relationship needs in order to remain best friends.

God orchestrated the Apostle Paul’s travels and people he connected with, and Paul had to be obedient. Even his jail time was used by God. How much control do I have over my relationships and time vs. how much does God control it? I’m only responsible for my part, not His. I have to trust Him to bring into my life exactly whom He wants me to talk to, spend time with, and minister to. If I’m moving forward, He can guide me.

A 2024 Update. I just returned from Florida where I reunited once again with my childhood boarding school classmates from around the world. As we reminisced over the last 70 years, the bonds only got stronger, but I don’t have time in my schedule to maintain daily contact with each one. People come into our lives for a season, and now it’s time to refocus on those whom I sit beside at church or chat with at the grocery store checkout lane. But these brothers and sisters will be forever in my heart.

On Doubt and Faith

Posted on by under Emotions, God, Scripture

Journal 2016

 “They did not believe it [the resurrection]” (Mark 16:11 NIV).

 “They did not believe them [the 2 men on the road to Emmaus] either” (Mark 16:11).

 “Jesus rebuked them for their lack of faith and their stubborn refusal to believe those who had seen him after he had risen” (Mark 16:14).

Why is it so hard to believe someone else’s testimony? And when evidence is right there in my face, why do I refuse to believe it? What makes me dig in my heals and deny the truth? Everyone (including Mary, the ten disciples, and eventually Thomas) finally believed when they experientially saw Jesus with their own eyes.

I suspect fear is at the bottom of it. When I’m working with clients with D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder), the denial parts might say, “If I believe it happened, then I’ll have to admit it was real.”

“Then what?” I’ll ask.

“Then I’ll feel overwhelmed (. . . or scared . . . or someone might find out . . . or I’ll be killed).”

I wonder what lie the disciples believed that kept their denial part in place: “It’s too good to be true (. . . or I can’t let myself feel hope for fear I’ll be disappointed).” I think that’s it. Jesus’ death was a HUGE disappointment, an overwhelmingly painful loss.

Yet when Jesus met them, He didn’t encourage them like He did when someone was fearful. He rebuked and chided them for their unbelief. According to I Samuel 15:23, stubbornness (ASV) rebellion (KJV) presumption (ESV) defiance (HCSB) is as the sin of witchcraft. Apparently, there was an element of demonic control or attachment that perhaps got planted at their point of pain. Jesus doesn’t need to dig around in their psyches to help them discover why they’ve dug in their heels. He bluntly rebukes them.

God is patient with our struggles, our fears, and our doubts, but He’s not so patient with lack of faith. How many times did He say, “O ye of little faith?” There’s no pointing of fingers here. I’m plenty guilty myself. But my heart strongly desires to root out all stubbornness, rebellion, and lack of faith.

I’m currently reading books on the neuroscience of the brain and wondering how to meld that knowledge with Jesus’ words.

The women at the tomb believed as soon as the angels spoke truth to them. The men, however, continued to doubt when presented with the evidence (the women’s testimony and an empty tomb). The disciples on the road to Emmaus couldn’t seem to grasp the truth, and Jesus rebuked them. Even when the disciples saw Jesus in the room, and the joy center of their brain was activated, they had a hard time believing.

We know that the brain is a complex organ—different parts of the brain are responsible for different functions. The occipital for eyes, the amygdala for emotion, the frontal cortex for logic and reasoning, and memory resides in a different part.

Jesus created the human brain. He knew what part of the brain was being accessed during fear (Peter walking on the water; the disciples in the storm on the sea of Galilee). He knew that the frontal cortex shuts down during a fight/flight/freeze situation. Yet He seemed impatient with them: “Why do you doubt? Why do you have so little faith? Why don’t you believe when the evidence is in front of you that I’m alive? Stop doubting!”

What makes us doubt? Is the emotion center too strong? Are there lies imbedded in that emotion? Once truth enters the brain, doubt and fear flee. Jesus understood all this, so was He really impatient or was He challenging them to accept HIM, the truth, the way, the life?

I think women often believe more easily than men. Perhaps that’s why Satan appealed to Eve first. Is that because our emotion center is more active than our reason center? Was Jesus instructing these men to get in touch with their emotional side? Women are also more apt to be duped, more gullible. I know I am.

Lord, help my unbelief.

Peace

Posted on by under Emotions, God, Journaling, Peace, Scripture

Journal 2017

If I recorded only my struggles, you’d never know about my good times, the peaceful days. If I only recorded good memories and words of praise and gratitude to God, you wouldn’t know of my struggles, and you’d think I was a saint. Neither is true. I resonate with Paul’s words, “For in my inner being I delight in God’s law” (Romans 7:22 NIV). This may be referring to the Law of Moses, but I see it through Jesus’ words, the Law of Love: Love the Lord Your God . . . and your neighbor as yourself.

I love the Word of God, and I love THE WORD Himself. He is my only source of true joy, the author of my peace, my motive for loving my neighbor.

I don’t often record my praise and gratitude because they are a given—they bubble up inside me. But maybe it would be a good exercise to write them down as well. David did.

My praise, my worship, doesn’t sound like today’s music, nor does it sound like David’s. My praise is more contemplative, quieter, a simple thank you. It’s standing in the rain, arms raised to the heavens, drinking in the warmth and the water, dancing with Jesus, following His lead, a graceful ballet of love and appreciation.

“The mind . . . governed by the Spirit is life and peace” (Romans 8:6 NIV). One follows the other. Spirit-control yields peace. Spirit-non-control yields unrest.

Today I am at peace, at rest.

Seek God, Not an Experience.

Posted on by under Emotions, God, Scripture

Journal 2016

The apostles performed many signs and wonders among the people . . . people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter’s shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by impure spirits, and all of them were healed (Acts 5: 12-16, NIV).

Peter, the man who denied Jesus three times, is now performing miracles of healing. Why didn’t this happen while he was walking with Jesus before the ascension (aside from the time when Jesus sent the disciples out to the villages two by two)? Why now? The answer is the Holy Spirit. Peter didn’t ask for it. It was a gift, donated, conferred upon him—according to God’s design.

I lay to rest once and for all the notion/teaching that I’m missing something because I don’t speak in tongues, raise people from the dead, heal sickness and disease, or handle snakes without getting poisoned. I can cast out evil cosmic beings because—and only because—the person wills it to be so and because the demonic forces have been defeated at the cross.

I have no power in myself to do diddly-squat! It’s by God’s very will and choice that I draw breath and move and have my being.

It’s like I’ve been standing around with my palms up, asking to receive whatever God has for me. Instead, He says, “Just get to work! Quit standing around. When and if I offer you something, you’ll open your hand or reach for it in obedience. If you refuse a gift, then you’re being rude or disobedient. It’s not so polite to extend your hand to demand that someone give you a gift!”

Then the high priest and all his associates who were members of the party of the Sadducees were filled with jealousy (v. 17).

“And don’t be jealous,” God adds, “if I give a gift that you want, or think you deserve, to someone else. I know exactly what gift(s) you need—best for you and best for Me. Now get to work and enjoy what I’ve given you!”

A 2024 Update. I wrote this in 2016 in response to the emotion stirred up when someone claimed all believers were supposed to practice all the gifts. This week I previewed a book by Neil Miller titled Agents of Healing. Miller states that we all have authority to heal physical ailments, but we don’t all have the same power to do so. And that with practice and experience, we can increase our faith to do so. His arguments are well laid out and biblically and experientially verified, but I’m still mulling over whether or not we’re all commanded to practice all the gifts.

Miller sites the times when Jesus cast out demons without the person’s involvement or consent, but as God incarnate, He knew the innermost workings of a person’s heart and the plan of the Father to bring Him glory. In my ministry of inner healing prayer, I’ve found that involving the person’s will makes the process a whole lot easier.

Am I Not Enough?

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Peace

Journal 2016

I’m feeling disgruntled today, agitated, pacing, complaining. Jesus invites me to sit with Him for a bit.

“I’m weary of living and working with people whose hearts are closed. Soulmate is a mythical beast,” I tell Him.

“Am I not enough?” Jesus asks.

“Am I not enough?” the Holy Spirit queries.

“Am I not enough?” the Father says.

And my heart cries out, “I want You to be. So why am I not satisfied? Why do I cling to the illusion that flawed human beings are capable of meeting the deepest longings and intimate needs of my heart?”

“It’s not fair to expect people to be God to you,” observes Jesus. “That’s idolatry.”

And so I repent.

Be Jesus to others but let go of expecting them to be that to you.

Josh and Katie (our youngest)