Tag Archives: priorities

On Job Burnout

Posted on by under Emotions, Inner Healing

Journal 2007

I’m really struggling right now. I’m angry, resentful, proud, defensive, hurt, sad, and stressed. I’ve had to let go of other areas of responsibility in order to survive my teaching duties. I’ve lost my joy and peace, and I don’t know the way back. My friends say I sound depressed.

[I was teaching at a junior college whose goal was to motivate struggling students to stay in school. The administration placed great pressure on the teachers to make this happen.]

VISUAL

I’ve sidled ungracefully past the wildly swinging middle section of a tightrope, but now I’m weary, trying to stay centered. Some in the watching crowd cheer me; others boo. I want to be applauded; I want to be liked; but when a belligerent student confronts me, my hackles rise.

ANOTHER VISUAL

I am a track team coach. I can encourage the runners from the sidelines or drive the momentum from the front. But if they choose to quit running, I can’t force them to continue. Nor can I simultaneously grasp every hand and drag them forward. While I’m helping one, others lag behind. I urge them to help each other, but it’s not enough. Complaining the race is too hard, many keep stepping off the track, distracted by illness, winter weather, or family stressors. Others continue to run but get lost and wander off into the marshes. Some are so far behind they’ll never catch up.

Meanwhile, my boss yells at me that I’m not trying hard enough. It’s my fault if I don’t provide their running shoes, hold their hands, and stay with them till the sun goes down.

And me? I’m wearing myself out trying to be in multiple places at once. I’m running 16 hours a day to keep the pace for the motivated student runners while racing back and forth to grab the laggers. I hear my boss yelling in one ear, and the runners wheezing and gasping in the other. The front runners complain that I’m spending too much time in back, and the ones in back complain I’m out front too much. I’m angry, tired, discouraged and ready for the finish line.

A THIRD VISUAL

I’m a spelunking tour guide. To those in my assigned group who follow closely enough to hear, I point out the beauty of the stalactites along the way. I can wait for a few stragglers to catch up before I begin lecturing, but if they linger in the back, talking and not listening, that’s on them. Or if they turn back to the entrance of the cave, I have to let them go. It’s not my fault if they are physically incapable of keeping up. I can provide a wheelchair, but unless they get someone else to push them, they’re stuck. I already have six people in my group who need wheelchairs! My job is to keep lecturing and keep pointing the way with my flashlight.

I become discouraged when I discover that only 8 to10 out of my original 20 make it to the beautiful waterfall at the end of the cave. The stragglers have missed it!

Now that I’m finished ranting, I’m ready to listen to the Lord.

THE LESSON

I am at fault. I have not bathed my classes in prayer. I have not prayed for my students by name. I have not consistently blessed my classroom. I’ve been too tired, distracted, and preoccupied to give it all over to God. I keep griping and crying that it’s too hard, too impossible a task that God has required of me. (Hmm. I sound like my students!)

And so, I repent for neglecting my spiritual disciplines. I can’t keep the students on track if I don’t have the right focus.

I realize, now, that it’s the company’s responsibility, not mine, to make sure the spelunkers sign a waiver saying they are physically and mentally fit for the journey BEFORE they enter the cave. Now that I understand it’s not my fault and that I’m doing all I can, what do I do with those in wheelchairs that the company requires me to get safely back to the entrance? I’m afraid the students will have to wait there alone in the pitch-blackness until we send for help. That’s when I notice permanent low lights lining the path. They will be safe for now.

A 2025 Update. I understand the passion behind wanting to help students succeed, but I’m not sure pressuring the teachers was the best motivation. This school is no longer in existence, and I am no longer teaching.

Schedule Conflicts

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God

Journal 2017

I feel conflicted about my schedule. I have not built in enough margin, enough down time, enough me time. My fault, I know. It feels overwhelming to think about all my relationships, responsibilities, commitments, and projects. There has to be a balance somehow. Life is messy and moves from day to day whether or not I plan or organize or prioritize. And I can make all the plans and goals I like, but they get interrupted on a daily basis.

My heart relaxes with this visual: All the parts of my day and my life are pieces on a spinning pie chart. But if God is in the center, there’s stability and peace.

On Clothing

Posted on by under Emotions

pexels-photo-296881

From my 2007 Journal. I dreamt* last night that I couldn’t decide what to wear. One thing was too hot, another too cold, and another was out of date. Agony! If I choose the wrong one, I’ll suffer. Too hot, too cold, uncomfortable, self-conscious.

I loathe clothes shopping. I have a hard time finding something that fits, and even when I do, I can’t seem to make up my mind if I really want it or need it. More often than not, I’ll just walk out of the store empty-handed. That’s why I invite a daughter or a friend to come with me and give their expert opinion. But even then, I may return an item after trying it on at home.

Somewhere there’s a balance between the outward trappings of style, comfort, available resources, and cultural sensitivity versus inner beauty. Does it please God more to spend huge amounts of time on the outward appearance or to ignore it altogether? To dress so as not to draw attention to oneself or to dress with flair and self-expression? Some have more fashion sense than others (sadly I’m not one of them). It just isn’t that important to me—that is, until someone makes a negative comment. I enjoy seeing someone all dressed up, but I don’t want to be that person. I prefer sweatpants and t-shirt comfort.

Here’s my order of priority: #1 Modesty #2 Comfort #3 Budget #4 Appropriate for the occasion. #5 Fashion. Don’t judge me, girls; it is what it is, and it’s harder to change the older I get.

It’s interesting to me how others reverse these values. I’d love to do a study on this. What order we rank these items, I suppose, depends on personality or temperament, cultural norms, giftedness, spirituality, budget, woundedness, and our value system. Any other factors you can think of?

What’s your order and why?

*Note: My spellcheck didn’t acknowledge the word dreamt, and so I had to look it up. The TCK syndrome strikes again. Apparently that’s the preferred British spelling with which I grew up. You learn something new every day!