Journal 2018

According to University of Oxford professor Dr. Robin Dunbar, the average person has three to five close friends and can only maintain up to 150 people in their social network.

Besides family members, I have 600 “friends” on Facebook, 20 neighbors on my street, 909 names in my phone contact list, 200 church members I’d like to get to know, a 12-member ladies’ Bible study group, 45 boarding school classmates, 2000 MKs in a database I maintain, missionaries we know or support from around the world, many friends we’ve made in 4 states, and 350 clients we’ve prayed with over the years. My mind is a little overwhelmed at the thought of all these connections, for I can only focus on one person at a time.

I like to say I choose God first, then my husband, then my kids and grands, and after that the world. And yet that choice is not necessarily time driven. I spend far more time in a week with other people than I do with some family members. Perhaps the issue is more about intimacy and where my heart is.

Someone described relationships as circles, where you place your most intimate persons in the center. But the visual doesn’t work well for me. It’s far more fluid and less rigid than that. Even the word priority doesn’t make the grade because, though my husband comes first most of the time, he doesn’t always. Sometimes a child needs more attention, or a friend is in crisis.

I need a better visual.

At first, I saw strings and chords attached to everyone I knew, but that picture was way too messy, and the cords far too tangled. I suspect my metaphor is closer to a river-of-life theme. I live and dwell on my own boat, but I visit different boats at different times. I’m tied to my husband’s boat through the bond of marriage, but we respect each other’s space. Others come on board at different times in my life and step back to their own boat or off onto shore when the visit is done. Sometimes a flotilla of boats travels with me. Each boat is labeled by its group name or category: neighbors, clients, Facebook friends, or church. Every three years, my classmates and I step onto the boat labeled “Reunion,” and then we return to our own boats. We step on and off each raft or boat at different times and for different purposes.

A 2026 Update. Except for my list of Facebook friends (which remains the same because I largely ignore social media now) my list of connections just keeps flexing. I have more grandchildren, church members come and go, I dropped a Bible study, added a book club, and have seen 250 more clients. Friends have gone to heaven and neighbors have moved away. I still only have the time or emotional capacity for deep connections with a handful of people.

What’s your metaphor for relationships?