Journal 2018

We all feel inferior in some way, and so we do what it takes to feel superior. “I would never do THAT” (whatever we observe in another person) reveals our need to feel superior, so we don’t have to feel or face our inadequacy. I see this played out in other people’s actions. It’s harder to see it in myself.

I recognized it recently while visiting my out-of-town daughter. I was trying to decide what to wear to her small group because I wanted to make a good first impression. Everyone would be dressed super casual she said (jeans and tees), but I hadn’t packed those items.

I’ve had the experience of over-dressing as well as under-dressing for various occasions, and I ended up feeling self-conscious. My mind jumps to memories of people’s negative comments when I first landed in the USA, fresh off the mission field. I needed to adjust my attire to cultural norms so that I wouldn’t stick out too much.

What keeps me from just being my true self, apart from what others think? Unless there’s a dress code, why should I care what I wear? Perhaps because I judge others, I expect others are judging me.

I can’t quite put my finger on the emotion. Uneasy? That inferior thing is always a comparison issue: feeling frumpy next to a stylish person, overdressed next to a casual dresser. But somehow it feels better to be overdressed than under. The superiority factor perhaps?

“Fit in” is the word that comes to mind. It feels uncomfortable to be square-shaped in a round world.

And that picture (a toddler’s shapes ball) suddenly makes the lie pop out. We all live in a round world, but we all have a unique shape. We are a subset of triangles, rectangles, and squares, and each person is unique, fitting only the opening in the shapes ball that corresponds with how God created us. When I try to be more like your shape, I no longer fit into the hole that God designed for me. And, of course, that feels uncomfortable when I try to squeeze my square shape into your star-shaped hole.

A 2026 Update. The older I get, the better I feel about myself and how God created me. Maybe I’ll join The Red Hat Society.