Category Archives: Choices

Keeping Records

Posted on by under Choices, Journaling

Journal 2017

I don’t know why, but I am a collector of written records from my life. Perhaps it’s because I have such a poor memory and I want to offload information from my brain to make room for the present. Perhaps it’s because I wish my parents had kept more records of their life. Billions of people have lived and died without any more recorded evidence of their existence than their birth and death dates, so maybe this is my attempt at leaving a trail behind for my girls or a grandchild who’s doing research on his
ancestry.

I have four filing cabinets; four plastic totes filled with old calendars, scrapbooks, and journals; and multiple computer files chronicling all the compartments of my life. I maintain databases of contacts (categorized by personal, ministry, and business), lists of addresses where we’ve lived, books I’ve read, and trips we’ve taken. One spiral-bound notebook catalogs all our medical records, and I keep all notes from various committee meetings. I can tell you where we went on most anniversaries and can quickly pull up all the family recipes. Want to know what our family did each year? I may not be able to recall, but it’s recorded in our annual New Year’s letters.

The Apostle Paul’s steps were ordered by the Lord—literally. Others before me have mapped out his travels and recorded the highlights of his career. Luke records the facts; rarely does he analyze or zero in on the thoughts and motives of Paul and his companions. The book of Acts is not a biography per se, but a historical record, a history book entry. It is only in hindsight, as we recount our stories, that we begin to see the patterns emerge and the very distinct hand of God in every move.

Luke’s record has survived for 2000 years, and we study it and scrutinize and dissect it and try to visualize it—because it is in the canon of Scripture. My life is no less chosen and orchestrated and directed by the Holy Spirit, but I do not anticipate my writings will impact any more than a few friends who might be interested in what I have to say. The records I’ve kept over the years may all end up in the trash someday, and that’s okay, for what’s really important is the footprint I’ve left on people’s hearts.

Making Decisions While Triggered

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Scripture

Journal 2017

I’ve learned the hard way, it’s never wise to do or say something while I’m triggered. Inevitably, the words come out harsher than planned, and I make poor decisions, making matters worse. The consequences for my reactions sometimes lead to further bad choices. What a mess to clean up!

After the 12 Israelite spies returned from the land of Canaan, 10 of the spies were triggered. And in their fearful emotions, they made some foolish statements: Wouldn’t it be better for us to return to Egypt? Let’s appoint a leader and return to Egypt. (Numbers 14:3-4) Are they crazy! Leave the protection of their God? Return to the Pharoah who hates them? They’re out of their minds—literally—with fear.

Upon hearing of their punishment from God (to wander in the desert for 40 years), the 10 spies decided to go out on their own and attack the scary Amalakites. They left camp without the Lord’s direction—and perished. How foolish!

What would have happened if they had worked through their fear before opening their mouths to Moses? No wandering in the desert for 40 years. No trail of decaying bodies. And yet . . . God was able to turn even their triggers into something good. God’s will cannot be thwarted.

You are free to choose; you are not free to choose the consequences of your choices. (Samuel Thomas)

Why Do Godly Men Differ?

Posted on by under Choices, Scripture

Journal 2017

Acts chapter 15 records controversy, conflict, disputes, and confusion between the Apostles, the Pharisees, the Gentiles, and the church elders. They debated the need for circumcision, rules for the Gentiles, and John Mark’s role in service. How could there be disagreement when they had the same Holy Spirit to teach them? We’re not talking different temperaments here or even systems or culture. Truth is truth . . . or is it? Either Gentiles needed to be circumcised or they didn’t. Does this mean that one person or group was not hearing correctly from God? Does it mean that Paul and Barnabas were triggered? Who wasn’t listening to God?

I think struggle is necessary for growth. I feel inner conflict all the time, and if I don’t take the time to connect with God, I can come up with some strange conclusions. But maybe we are like plants. God sows different seeds, and our beauty is in our diversity.

Codependency and the Relationship Pillow

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Inner Healing, Journaling, Peace

Journal 2019

I read recently where a therapist placed three pillows on the floor and instructed her two clients to each pick a pillow on which to stand. “Your own pillow represents your soul,” she told them. “It belongs to no one else but you.” Next, she explained the middle pillow. “This one is called Relationship. Each of you may choose to go to the center pillow and discuss what you want out of the relationship, but at no time may you step on another person’s pillow. It is creepy and codependent to try to control somebody else’s soul.”

I started to explain this concept to a client one day when she was struggling to let go of some codependent relationships, but the Lord gave her a different visual. Jesus had been meeting with her in a small cabin (representing her soul) that was decorated exactly as she wanted it with warm cozy colors, a fireplace, and a comfy chair. She had also invited her adult children into her cabin and was not willing to send them out into the cold, even if she herself had to sit on the floor. “I’d do anything for my kids,” she declared.

The problem was that she was running out of food to feed those adults while her own soul was starting to shrivel and starve. Jesus explained to her that her children had their own cabins with plenty of food in them, and she was doing them a disservice by insisting they live with her. “Your cabin is unique to you,” He explained, “and you can’t fully grow into who you were meant to be if you share the space with others.”

“If I let them go,” she wondered, “does that mean I never get to see them again?”

“Oh, no,” Jesus replied. “You can always go visit them on their porch or they can come visit you, but you must not move into each other’s cabins to live.”

As I trace the steps of my own story, I can see how often I allowed others to take up residence in my cabin or on my pillow. Unwise and unhealthy choices stunted both of us. Through my processing, I’ve discovered that the more I keep healthy boundaries, the faster their healing occurs. It’s easy to say I wish I’d known all this at the beginning of my life, but in truth, knowing something and acting on it are two different things. I knew these truths on the left side of my brain, but right-side emotions kept jumping in and taking over. It feels like a long, slow process to get where I am today. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever learn the lessons God is trying to teach me. But as I read back over my journals, I discover that what used to trigger me no longer has power over me.

Living in peace is superior to living in pieces!

Feasting and Fasting

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Peace, Scripture

2009 Journal.

Once more as we stuff the turkey, open the can of cranberry sauce, and bake the pies, I wonder if this Thanksgiving feast is a waste of our money. Could we not choose to eat simply and give that money to the poor? Do I need to feel guilty over our indulgence? Christmas can also be tricky. Should we give all our gifts to charity? Always? No, I don’t think so. Should we spend all on ourselves? Again, no, that wouldn’t be right either. Somewhere there’s a balance.

There is a time and place for feasting as well as fasting. God commanded and scheduled Jewish feast days. In Luke 6, Jesus is caught attending a party, a feast, and His disciples are accused of not fasting like the Pharisees.

When you’re celebrating a wedding, you don’t skimp on the cake and wine. You feast. Later you may need to pull in your belt, but this isn’t the time. As long as the bride and groom are with you, you have a good time. When the groom is gone, the fasting can begin. (From The Message)

We need permission to feast.

We need persistence to fast.

Schedule Conflicts

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God

Journal 2017

I feel conflicted about my schedule. I have not built in enough margin, enough down time, enough me time. My fault, I know. It feels overwhelming to think about all my relationships, responsibilities, commitments, and projects. There has to be a balance somehow. Life is messy and moves from day to day whether or not I plan or organize or prioritize. And I can make all the plans and goals I like, but they get interrupted on a daily basis.

My heart relaxes with this visual: All the parts of my day and my life are pieces on a spinning pie chart. But if God is in the center, there’s stability and peace.

Inconvenienced

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace

Journal 2017

My mom had just flopped onto the sofa in the living room when I came to the locked screen door near her and demanded to be let in. She told me to go around to the unlocked kitchen door. I refused. I wanted my own way. I persisted until she gave in, too tired to argue with me or to stand her ground.

The moment she gave in, my seven-year-old self felt something shift inside. I had gained a little power—but at the cost of my self-respect and my mother’s disgust. It didn’t feel good even though I’d gained the victory. I guess I felt guilty.

I repent, first, of my stubborn heart and, second, of my insensitivity toward my mother’s weariness. I recognize that my actions were less than stellar, but I want to thank the Lord for putting such a strong spirit inside me. Mom always said I had a stubborn streak, but if that spirit could be channeled right, it would be a good thing. Thanks, Mom, for believing in me.

So, what is this wanting my own way, not wanting to be inconvenienced, to have to walk a few paces to enter another door. Was I lazy? Self-centered? I think at the time it was driven by tiredness. I think. But, of course, that’s no excuse.

Visual: This stubborn part of my heart looks like Gimli in Lord of the Rings: strong, stout, grumbly, gruff, and tough, but determined to finish his quest. Jesus invites him to chat, but Gimli mutters under his breath. He doesn’t care much about leaving the body (the hurting part of my heart) outside with a sprained ankle. But he comes in and plops down on a chair across from Jesus who is lounging by the fire. (Mom is still sitting on the couch, oblivious to the conversation that’s about to commence.)

“Drop the ‘tude!” I want to shout at Gimli. “You have strength already without it.” (I can see the wheels turning inside his head.)

“This is just who I am,” he says. “Get over it.”

Whew! He’s a tough nut to crack, Jesus. Good luck with this one!

Jesus gets up to tend the fire in the fireplace, and somehow this action begins to melt Gimli’s gruff exterior.

“I’m sorry, Jesus. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I don’t know to be any other way.”

“You’re changing right now . . . “

“Well, yeah, you sorta have that effect on people.”

He smiles. “What’s on your heart, Gimli?”

Gimli looks down toward his chest. He may be a literalist, but he knows what Jesus means.

“I dunno. I just want my own way.”

“Why?”

“Because it feels good. It feels strong. In control.”

“I see.”

“You see what?”

“I see where you’re coming from.”

“You do?”

“Uh huh.”

“Then figure me out!”

“You’re doing fine yourself.”

“Okay, I suspect You’ll ask me next if I’m willing to give up control? And the good feelings . . . “

Jesus nods His head slightly. “Go on.”

“And I need to find a good reason to do that.”

Jesus waits.

“Well, aren’t You supposed to show me something?”

Jesus throws His head back and laughs. He’s enjoying Himself. Apparently He knows that I know that I’m doing it again—maintaining control of the conversation.

“All right, already. I know what I have to do. I’m just not sure if I know how. I trust You. I do know that.”

Chris Tomlin’s song “I lay me down, I’m not my own, I belong to You alone, lay me down . . .” pops into my head.

Comically, this literalist Guardian, who’s as wide as he is tall, climbs out of his chair and lies on his side on the floor.

“You know I’ll have a hard time getting up,” he grumbles.

Again, Jesus laughs out loud. He loves this character.

“Okay, so now what?”

“Now what, what?”

“What do I have to do next?”

“Nothing!”

“What!? I can’t stay like this all day! I’ve got work to do.”

Jesus heads over to the couch, gets a cushion, and places it under Gimli’s head; then He retrieves a blanket and gently drapes it over him. “Rest well, my friend. You’ve earned it.”

In seconds, Gimli is sound asleep, snoring loudly.

Next, Jesus goes to the screen door, unlatches it, picks up the tired and hurting body and carries it into the room. He tends to the ankle first and then invites the body to rest. She knows Jesus will never leave her side.

Gimli opens one eye. “Jesus?”

“She’s okay. Fast asleep on the couch.”

“Okay.” And Gimli drifts back to sleep, dreaming of wars and battles and victories won. But today was his greatest victory of all.

And what of my mom? She’s curled up in her chair, also fast asleep. And through my haze, I can hear Jesus softly humming, “I lay Me down . . .”

Thank You, Lord, for laying Yourself down. You sacrificed Your body, broken and bruised, for me. How can I do any less when You ask me to sacrifice MY body for others who don’t deserve it.

The Sacrifice of Intercession

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Prayer

Journal 2017

In the book Rees Howells-Intercessor, the author Norman P. Grubb says, “This is the law of intercession: that only so far as we have been tested and proved willing to do a thing ourselves can we intercede for others. Christ is our Intercessor because He took the place of each one prayed for” (p. 93).

The thought here is that we cannot intercede for someone unless we are willing to answer the prayer ourselves. Rees prayed that God would spare the life a woman who was dying; but if she died, he would have to be willing to care for her children since the father was out of the picture. When she died, he was prepared to take up the slack, but her sisters stepped in at the last minute. His intercession included being willing to lay down his life for another.

Regarding medicine vs. faith for healing, he was not opposed to medicine and would recommend it. His prayer for healing was usually applied to those for whom medicine had failed—and only after he was SURE that God had told him that the person would be healed. He didn’t pray for it or believe it unless the Lord told him what to pray for.

Always, always do what God says, even when it feels bizarre. He seldom works the same way twice. Only once did the children of Israel march seven times around a city. And when they tried to conquer Ai, they failed because God didn’t tell them to do so.

Rees Howells had a policy of “First need, first claim.” Whenever he had money, he’d give it away to whatever need presented itself to him, believing God would supply his own need when the time came.

The ultimate test came when God asked Rees and his wife to leave their son behind so they could go to Africa to become missionaries. We read this today and shake our heads. Some of the Gowans Home* kids might disagree that the sacrifice was worth it. Some would protest that God wouldn’t ask a person to do that (though He did it Himself when He left His only Son to die on a cross).

I think God calls certain people to an exceptional life of faith. When He has an extraordinary job for them to do, their testing is also extraordinary. God had a special hand on Rees and on George Mueller and today on Angus Buchan (Read the book or see the movie Faith Like Potatoes).

Are we all expected to make sacrifices in our intercessions?

*GH was a home in Canada for missionaries’ children in the 40s and 50s. It was not safe in those days to take children overseas to disease-ridden countries or during wartime, so missionaries left their children behind for four to five years at a time.

Courage and Fear

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Scripture

Obadiah (not the Minor Prophet) is an Old Testament character who gets overshadowed by the prophet Elijah, King Ahab, and his wicked wife Queen Jezebel.

Obadiah was in charge of Jezebel’s palace and he “greatly feared the Lord” (I Kings 18:3). This intrigues me. How does he maintain his integrity while living in the midst of extreme wickedness? And why does the king retain him in service? Perhaps he is trusted and faithful and humble. Who knows. I think of Joseph and Daniel who were also placed in positions of authority under not-so-nice rulers.

When Jezebel murders all the prophets she can find, Obadiah secretly hides one hundred prophets of the Lord in two caves and feeds them bread and water. Meanwhile, Obadiah knows that King Ahab is furious with Elijah, blaming him for the drought. (Typical to blame someone else for one’s own sin choices.)

One day while Obadiah is walking along a desert road, Elijah suddenly appears next to him and tells Obadiah to inform the king that he (Elijah) is here.

“No way!” says Obadiah. (Apparently, someone had reported to Jezebel about his hidden prophets, and he’s afraid for his life.) The king has been searching the land for Elijah and made the nations swear they had not found him. Obadiah has heard the threats against Elijah, so if he tells Ahab that Elijah is here and Elijah disappears again, it’s off with Obadiah’s head!

Obadiah reiterates that he’s feared the Lord since his youth. He’s obviously on the Lord’s side. But Elijah assures him that he won’t leave, and so Obadiah agrees to deliver the message.

Both Obadiah and Elijah made courageous choices–Obadiah hid true prophets, and Elijah confronted false ones atop Mt. Carmel. Both also experienced fear. Elijah turned and ran for his life when Jezebel threatened him. And both faced their fears in the end and became victorious.

What gives a man courage? What causes him to doubt and fear?

Messy Relationships

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Peace

Journal 2017

I woke up from a dream in which I felt extreme rage. My friend had rearranged all the cupboards and shelves in our bedroom, and I hated it—it was disorderly, ugly, impractical, and inconvenient. I was surprised at the vehemence I felt. Where did that come from?

I realize that these shelves reflect how my friend’s brain is organized. It’s different from mine. No wonder she has difficulty coping with life. The curious thing is why she rearranged MY shelves and cupboards. I did not give her permission to do so.

I’ve always had a strong sense of space and personal belongings. Growing up in boarding school, I owned one pencil, one pen, and one notebook, and I knew at all times where each was located. All our belongings were clearly labeled with our own names, and we understood the boundaries of personal property. The only things we traded were marbles, which were won or lost in competitions.

Order meant safety and comfort. Lack of order felt chaotic and out of control. How much of that is temperament and how much was my attempt to control my environment? My two dresser drawers were always neatly arranged because we were rewarded in the dorm for tidiness, but I seemed to gravitate toward that lifestyle anyway. My mother recalls the time that my big sister and I were instructed to set the table at home one night. In typical fashion, Grace hurriedly flung the silverware onto the table while I came behind her straightening them.

When I ask God for insight, Jesus takes me by the hand, and we fly high up into the atmosphere. “See My universe?” He says. “I like order too. The planets and atoms are all in their orbits.” Yet there’s more. Asteroids break loose and crash into the earth.

“What does all this mean?” I enquired.

“There’s a both/and.”

I scratch my head, puzzled.

“I made order. I created it. I created you (and your temperament) to have order and logic and straight lines. Yes, you function well when things are orderly. Others I fashioned more right-brained to think more creatively. They get flustered and feel boxed in when things are too lined up in a row. Do not berate yourself for how I created you.”

I knew there was a “but” coming.

“But relationships are messy. People are not robots. You can’t have a relationship with a robot. Yes, I made an orderly universe, but I also made people. People can disrupt your orderly world.”

Just then, Peaches our cat jumped onto the bed, interrupting my writing as she rubbed against my pen and demanded to be petted.

“Did you mind the interruption to your orderly thoughts?” enquired Jesus.

“No, because she made me smile. I knew it was temporary. It is relational. I can’t have relationship with a pen.”

“Exactly.”

And with that thought, my rage dissipated. I’m glad God made us all different.