Category Archives: Choices

One-Track Mind

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Peace

Journal 2006

I have a one-track mind that struggles to manage multiple, simultaneous crises. At one time I aspired to become a medical doctor until I realized I didn’t have the multi-tasking skills needed for that profession. The positive side to this super-power is I can focus on a task to completion. Unfortunately, I get frustrated at interruptions, finding it hard to pull my mind away from the zone.

As I’m concentrating on a task, I’m not thinking about God. When I’m worshiping God, I find it distracting to be around people. And while I’m with people, I can’t center on my inner needs. How do I balance these areas of focus and release my feelings of worry and guilt that I’m “less than”?

So here’s my visual: With my heart in the middle, my feet perform a task, my arms reach out to minister, and my head looks up to God. When I look within, I focus on self—adjusting and changing, making goals, and removing triggers. When I look outward, I focus on relationships and the needs of others.

So, in my visual, it’s okay to be seated (feet still, no task) while I reach out to minister to others. The body is still there, whether my mind is focusing on it or not. When I watch my feet, my senses can still be alert, aware of changes in the environment that will warn me of danger. The parts are all inter-related, still in existence even if my eyes are focusing on one part only. The rest of me doesn’t go away.

So how do I find balance? Should I tithe my time? (That would mean focusing solely on God 2.4 hours in a 24-hour period or 1.6 hours if I only count waking hours). How much time should I allot to self-examination? (As much as necessary, I think, to become emotionally healthy.) If my arms are always engaged in ministry, my feet (tasks) don’t get done. If my head always faces the sky, my feet will trip. Each part must take turns. The trick is to maintain an equilibrium between the parts.

But I must not become too compartmentalized. I can focus on each in rapid succession. Micro-seconds of looking up while engaging my hands or feet will give me orientation. Checking my attitude while ministering to others is necessary. I might not be able to stop for self-care in the moment, but I certainly can take note of it and deal with it at my first opportunity.

A 2025 Update. Over time, I worked through the anger I felt at my tasks being interrupted. I find I can more quickly redirect my attention to others or return to the zone and refocus on my task without anxiety or shame. Being one-track-minded is not a character flaw.

Accountability

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions

Journal 2006

In the news this week: the head of a national Christian organization falls from grace after preaching about moral failure. I’ve been thinking about how preachers (okay, I’ll make it personal—how I) tend to protest too much or preach the loudest about the very thing I struggle with.

This reminds me of the time Scott and I were staying at a hotel in North Carolina when the fire alarm screamed in the middle of the night. Scott took his time getting out the door. He wanted to get dressed first, go to the bathroom, and find his wallet. He said he saw no smoke and felt no heat, so he wasn’t worried.

I, on the other hand, panicked and urged him to flee immediately. I had visions of us perishing in the fire together if I waited for him, thus leaving our children to fend for themselves as orphans. It was a double-bind: follow my husband’s lead and die together or follow my instincts and run? My choice was to leave without him and let him come at his leisure. But as I descended the third flight of stairs, guilt set in that I had abandoned him, and I slowed my pace. Why wasn’t he catching up to me? Did he have a heart attack? Did his bad knees give way? Did he need my assistance?

What I didn’t know was that we had each chosen a different stairway to descend. In the end, we both got to safety—even though there was no danger from a fire. It was a false alarm.

If I had to do it over again, I think I’d wait for Scott. In fact, the next time it happened, this time in Chattanooga, we took our time and went down together (yup, another false alarm).

So how does this story relate to the fallen preacher? We all need transparency and accountability in our struggles. We’re safer when we do life together.

A 2025 Update. As I read back over this entry, I admit I’m not sure about my conclusion in this double bind. Was I really safer waiting for Scott? I don’t know, but I do know it felt less stressful to stay together.

AI-generated

Meltdown Day

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Inner Healing, Peace, Scripture

Journal 2006

Galatians 5:19-21 lists “acts of the flesh” as “immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these.”

I’m not too worried about drunkenness, orgies, sorcery, and idolatry. But what of selfishness? Or outbursts of anger? Or envy? Are we not all guilty of these at some point?

This is more than a list. It’s an admonition for self-examination. And so my prayer today, Lord, is for You to reveal and expose any area in my life that does not exhibit a fruit of the Spirit.

Later. That’s the quickest answer to prayer I’ve ever had! Yesterday was an emotionally draining day. It will forever be known in my mind as “Meltdown Day.”

Probably ten years ago, I got ticked off with a friend over an issue that affected me. She promised to take care of it, but she never did. Year after year, I stewed inside, waiting for her to fulfill her promise. Up to now, she’d always put up a brick wall when I brought up the subject.

Well, yesterday, the subject came up again, and I was surprised when she said she’d handle it. Now, it appeared that a little door had opened in her wall, and it felt safe to walk through it.

Wrong. She got triggered and slammed that door in my face. The why is her story, her issue. But my response was so out of character and out of line that I knew it tapped into something deep inside. I had been working through a grief issue just before this incident, and it was not finished yet. This seemed to blow it wide open.

I grabbed some Kleenex, hopped onto my bicycle, and rode to our local playground. I cried for over an hour before I started to process my anger, envy, and grief. It took another couple hours to talk it out with my friend.

Deep wounds take a long time to heal and release, I think. But why are they there in the first place? Perhaps because of our own sin. Perhaps because of other people’s sin against us. Or maybe it’s just lies we believe. Guilty. I raise my hand. Guilty.

Lord, forgive my stubborn heart.

Jesus Is the Joy of Living

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Peace

Journal 2006

I have been struggling, fighting, working at getting some uninterrupted quiet time first thing in the morning. Not happening. This time is so precious to me, and when I have to give it up for whatever reason, it leaves me irritated. Why? What’s going on here, Lord? I know spiritual warfare is part of it.

I woke this morning with this childhood song in my heart: Jesus is the joy of living. But it doesn’t feel true today.

When, on this earth, will I quit struggling to keep Jesus as my joy? I get annoyed, upset, angry, peeved, frustrated, ticked off at so many stupid little things. I’m tired of it! Why can’t I just have a “poof pill”? POOF! And the anger is gone. Actually, giving up anger is the only way to make this happen, but it’s a lot of work getting to that place of peace. I’m a slow learner.

I know irritations in life are inescapable, but how I respond to them is up to me. Lord, give me peace.

A 2025 Update. I am in a different season of my life now and have more control over my schedule. Finding alone time is no longer an issue. Maybe that’s why my heart easily agrees that Jesus is the joy of living.

AI-generated

Possessions

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions

Journal 2006

Here’s my philosophy on THINGS.

  1. Simplicity or minimalism is better than clutter. Because it’s easier to clean around. Because I spend more time on what’s really important in life. Because it streamlines my work.
  2. Things are to be used. If you’re not using them, why keep them?
  3. We get emotionally attached to things. Childhood bonds to things may be the strongest. (e.g. my Funny Monkey). What’s important to me may not be important to you because we don’t have the same bonds.
  4. It’s easy for me to throw away what I’m not attached to.
  5. Things are temporal, of the earth. They bind us, tie us up, hang us—unless we can let them go.
  6. There can be too much of a good thing. There can also be too little.
  7. I can think of no possession I have that I wouldn’t be willing to part with—except my journals, because they’re irreplaceable. But if having them gets in the way of my love for God and service to Him, then I’d gladly give them up. Even pictures, as precious and irreplaceable as they may be, what’s in the heart is what counts in life. I’d prefer to not be tested in this, though. But God knows my heart.
“Funny Monkey” still has my name tag on it from boarding school.

A 2025 Update. I’ll never get my husband to read The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning – How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson. Living with a clutter-bug who feels more secure with his things crowded around him, I laughed when I saw this sign at the paint store. Apparently, my Swedish roots are showing.

What Does It Mean to Follow?

Posted on by under Choices, God, Scripture

Journal 2006

“Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow Me cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:27).

What does following mean exactly?

It’s walking behind Someone on a footpath. When you come to a fork in the road—a crisis like death or illness or disaster—you continue to stay behind the Leader, not stray off the path or choose another fork. It’s trusting that the One you follow knows the way through the wilderness.

John 12:26 says, “If any of you wants to serve Me, then follow Me.”

What does it mean to serve? Is that the same as following?

When Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, He said, “What I’ve done, you do.” Did He mean that we should have foot-washing ceremonies? I serve my family by cooking for them, cleaning the house, running the household. But it’s more than that. Serving others is a heart attitude.

When I serve others, I’m following Jesus. When I follow Him, I will serve others.

A 2024 Update. When I first began meeting with clients for inner healing prayer, I was appalled to learn that some of them believed that serving others meant self-abasement, self-neglect, or laying themselves down as a rug to be trampled. But lying on the pathway renders them incapable of following the Leader. Fortunately, God is patient. He will allow us to stay there until we cry out to Him for help. Once we can stand, we can follow Him.

Navigating Legalism

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Peace, Scripture

Journal 2005

Our Pastor preached through the list of kingdom qualities in Matthew’s Sermon on the Mount and asked which quality we needed to focus on. I chose “avoid judgmentalism.”

The Pharisees [hypocrites] honor Me with their lips. But their heart is far from Me. But in vain do they worship Me, teaching as doctrine the precepts of men. (Matthew 7:6)

Here’s my definition of judgmentalism based on this passage: A self-righteous attitude about how others conduct themselves—usually because I don’t do this “sin” myself. And often the “sin” in question is regarding a tradition of man rather than breaking a direct command of Scripture.

Want some examples?

  • Women were forbidden to wear pants at the college I attended.
  • Red lipstick was considered worldly in my childhood culture.
  • Going to the movie theatre was a no-no.
  • Dancing was definitely in the category of sinful behavior.
  • Modesty was defined by skirt length.

Culture has a huge impact on this discussion. What’s modest for one culture is immoral for another. I think it comes down to the attitude of my heart. I can dress like a Puritan and not have a pure heart. The other end of the continuum is harder for me to gauge. At what point do I transition from a poor heart attitude to sin? Or is it a point? Can the discussion focus on the amount of material, or should the focus be 100% on the heart?

Next, I pondered the difference between a Pharisee’s judgment and the weaker brother’s judgment (1 Corinthians 8:11). In a previous church, the pastor urged us to refrain from a particular activity (fill in the blank here), so as not to offend a weaker brother, thus causing him to sin.

The Pharisee holds his standard of righteousness for his own glory. I don’t need to change my behavior to please him. The weaker brother (one who hasn’t been taught yet) has a desire for righteousness for God’s glory, and I need to respect him.

But there’s a third category of people to consider. 1 Corinthians 10:27 says, “If one of the Unbelievers should say to you, ‘This is meat sacrificed to idols,’ don’t eat it—for the sake of the conscience of the one who informed you.” Note that this unbeliever invites you to eat with him, so this conversation is in private—not referring to a system (which is where my mind goes with my former church). So then the observation [judgment, criticism] in this passage is coming NOT from a weaker brother, but rather from an unbeliever who “knows” the Christian’s standards.

To sum it all up, 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, “Whether, then, you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

I cannot judge another person’s motives. I am only responsible for my own heart. I just know that I prefer hugging the mountainside over seeing how close to the cliff’s edge I can get.

A 2024 Update. Legalism with all its “shoulds” and “have-tos” had a strong hold on me for many years, but I don’t struggle with these issues anymore. God gave me a mind to ask questions and to search the Scriptures, and God’s answers have brought peace to my heart.

Keeping the Sabbath

Posted on by under Choices, God, Scripture

Journal 2016

I grew up under the teaching that as Gentile Christians, we were commanded to “keep the Sabbath day holy.” Never mind that our instructors mistakenly called Sunday “the Sabbath” or that, as I believe, we are no longer under the Law of Moses.

The Mosaic Law spelled out some parameters for Sabbath or Shabbat observance: no fires, no cooking, no traveling. The Pharisees took the Law a little further and defined the Sabbath according to what activities and to what extent they thought were or were not permissible as per their own definitions. In 39 categories, the Talmud defined work as “any activity that creates or that exercises control or dominion over one’s environment.” These included baking, making garments, making leather, and building structures. Today their Sabbath legalism extends to not pushing the buttons on an elevator or turning on electric lights.

Reform Judaism says, “One should avoid one’s normal occupation or profession on Shabbat whenever possible and engage only in those types of activities that enhance the joy, rest, and holiness of the day.” According to this definition, if I were to “keep the Sabbath,” my normal activities would be housework, computer work, and the business end of ministry. It would not preclude ministry itself according to Jesus’ example. He preached and healed all week long. You’d think He’d refrain on the seventh day and take this day off from “work.” But apparently His work wasn’t classified as labor.

Jewish law prohibits work, but it isn’t the same definition as our English word for work. The word Shabbat literally means “to cease” or “to sit.” While resting is implied, it’s not the meaning of the word. God created for six days, and then He ceased. He didn’t need to rest. I may not be Jewish, and yes, Jesus is my Sabbath rest, but I do need to “cease” on a regular basis. I need the change of pace, the chance to recoup, refresh, and recharge my body, mind, and soul.

So . . . generally, once a week, I turn off my computer, refrain from cleaning house, and occupy myself with things I enjoy doing—guilt-free, such as reading, doing a puzzle, or golfing with my husband (after church of course!)

What does “ceasing” look like for you?

Thoughts on Judas

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, God, Scripture

Journal 2016

At some point in His ministry, Jesus sent out the twelve disciples and gave them power

  • to drive out demons
  • to cure diseases
  • to heal the sick, and
  • to preach the kingdom of God. (Luke 9:1; Mark 6:7)

The twelve? That means that He gave those powers and gifts to Judas as well—the one He chose by the will of the Father, knowing he would betray Him. The one whose love of money was never cured though he spent three years at the Master’s feet.

Jesus sent them out two by two. Who got stuck with Judas? Was he so wicked at this time? Perhaps not. Perhaps he only had a “little sin” in his heart. But all the disciples struggled with unbelief and fear and pride. What was so different about Judas?

They were to take no food (what if they had a blood sugar problem?), no money (or credit cards for that matter), no change of clothes (ewww … would you want two sweaty, smelly men in your home?), and they were to preach repentance. Apparently Judas failed to heed his own warning.

Judas never asked Jesus to drive out his own demons. He never got to see the fruits of his labor. He missed the blessings and didn’t endure to the end of God’s plan, to the resurrection. He tried to avoid the pain in his heart and took his own life.

And yet … God’s plan could not be thwarted. His plan triumphed in the end. He used Judas’ poor choice to bring salvation to the whole world.

A 2024 Update. A couple students in our community took their own lives last month. I understand that when pain is overwhelming, a person can believe there is no alternative, but the premature end of a life feels like such a waste, a missed opportunity to bless others. I wonder how God will redeem these events in the lives of those who are left behind to pick up the pieces.

Outward Appearances

Posted on by under Choices, Emotions, Peace

Journal 2006

I was self-assured in my childhood about my clothing choices until someone remarked negatively about an outfit. Then self-consciousness set in, not unlike Adam and Eve who were content until the serpent catapulted them into self-awareness—and then they felt shame.

I was coerced recently into watching an Oprah show where interviewers accosted ladies on the street and told them how awful their bras were and how terrible their clothing styles were. Made-for-TV drama. I could have socked the accosters who freely handled and lifted the strangers’ bosoms. Why would anyone get a thrill out of changing a person’s bra size?

Now, I’m not against looking nice, but the danger was that I suddenly became self-aware and others-aware. I sat in our ladies’ small-group Bible study last night and found myself looking around the room at cup sizes and positions and bra fits. And value and judgment suddenly rested on who did it “right.”

I also noticed a friend’s clothes yesterday. The style went against everything Oprah said she should wear, and I considered saying something to her. Really?! Where does Oprah get her clout? Why do the people on her show get to establish the standard for my friend?

What we wear often reflects what those in our circle are wearing. When tapered jeans were “in,” my daughters pled with me to get rid of my straight-legged ones. How uncouth, gauche, and unsightly! Well, guess what? Now I’m not only fashionable in my wide jeans, but we’re told they are better for the figure because they make the hips look smaller! So tapered jeans are now definitely “out.”

Years ago “over-sized” was in. Today, it’s the tighter the better. (Personally, I prefer the big—it hides a multitude of bulges!)

Another skewed value in America is the drive to look younger and thinner. In some other cultures, value is assigned by age or wisdom, and wealth is determined by plumpness—meaning you have enough food to eat. Maybe I’m living in the wrong culture.

All this attention to outward appearances makes me tired. The focus is all wrong. What I wear and how I wear it begins to determine my value in my circle—be it home or church or at the grocery store. How do I return to unselfconscious and dress according to my personal preferences? How do I quit judging, sizing up, assigning value to someone based on their outward appearance? I want to be confident enough in myself to dress in a way that self disappears. Self-conscious means I think more about I instead of you. And I instead of God.

The missing ingredient here is relationship. I think the reason we ladies were aghast at the behavior of the accosters on the show was because they violated strangers’ personal space. If a friend had spinach in her teeth, I would tell her. I would want her to do the same for me. And if a trusted friend kindly pointed out that my dress was frumpy, I’d take it to heart. But if I’m criticized for my shoes, and my choice is based on comfort for arthritic feet, no matter what your opinion is, the ability to walk supersedes style for me. But it still makes me sad that I’m being judged for not keeping up with fashion.

I suspect when someone cares how I look, it’s more a reflection on how it makes THEM feel. Maybe I should feel sad for the critiquer because she is driven by something unfulfilled in her own soul.

2024 Update. It’s interesting to look back at my younger self and see what triggers made me obsess. I may still notice today what other ladies are wearing, but I can do so without judgment. I’m comfortable with my choices now. As my sister says, “I’m too old to worry about that anymore.”

My sweet parents and Grandpa Peterson
My early fashion role models!